Strange 5ives

Came across some very, very unusual lists as I was surfing. Thought I’d share:

Five things I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs:

1. Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View
2. Disembowel line-cutters at Walgreens
3. Devour double-parkers on Taraval Street (and, ironically, the Chinese takeout that doomed them to their fate)
4. Poke gentle, good-natured fun at less powerful monsters when we meet at social events
5. Keep library books well past their due date

Five ways I tend to feel after speaking with Sprint’s Customer Service:
1. Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
2. Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
3. Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
4. Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
5. Very, very unclean

Five terrible fake fad diets:
1. The Conifer Program – Consume nothing but pinecones on days with an “r” in them
2. Swap Yourself Skinny- Wear a vest made of delicious smoky bacon; eat only poly-blend textiles and brass buttons
3. Paper Thin – Gorge on all the white bond paper you like
4. Roast n’ Row – Eat all the tasty prime rib you want (provided you’re rowing a boat at the time)
5. Chet Atkins Diet – Eat nothing but vintage guitars; avoid picks