Life Is Funny, Ep. 1

Show me the man that says life is boring, and I’ll throw him in a vat of sugar-free pudding with Bill Cosby.

How many silly, ridiculous things happen in life that get overlooked? Well, by golly, I’m going to write some of them down, so when I’m old, crochety, and can’t find my teeth, my grandkids can remind me that life really does have its humorous and enjoyable moments.

First, I’m lying in bed in the middle of the night when suddenly my wife start pushing me for no apparent reason. I started to ask her what was wrong when suddenly she says to me, “Ugh, you smell like poop.” Now, I’m a pretty sensitive guy when it comes to smells, but for the life of me I wasn’t picking up feces. I tried to ask her what again and she just grunted and pushed me away. “What is it?!” I finally got out. She stopped for a minute, looked around and then said, “Whoa, I had a dream I was changing diapers.”

Something else weird: for whatever reason, our lights go on and off at random in our house. I’ll turn the bathroom light on, and it won’t come on until I’m halfway through my shower. Some days. Other days I’ll be watching television in the den and the light will just shut off. Halfway through the rinse cycle on the dishwasher, the lights I just installed under our cabinets will come on. My wife thinks it’s burglars (they must invisible) but I think it’s ghosts. We’re being haunted by a malcontent parsonage spirit, I tell you.

Then I get this phone call from Vistaprint. “We were just calling to see if you were satisfied with your recent purchase from Vistaprint.” See, I had ordered neat-o business cards that match my new design. “Well, actually, I’ve been meaning to call because the cards came and they look great, but there’s a little hickey on the P where the foil shrank funny and I was wondering if I could get a…” CLICK That’s one way to get 100% customer satisfaction!

Oh, and have you seen my favorite picture from Alcatraz? The prisoners called this the Spanish dungeon, and it’s actually beneath the prison itself. Did you know that Alcatraz was around during the time of the Civil War? Yeah, I was like, were we even over there yet?

You know, one of the things I miss most with blogging? The ability to do impersonations. I really want to end this with a Bill Cosby phrase about Jello pudding pops, but it’s just not the same.