My stomach was in frenzy and my dead hands and feet struggled to keep me standing. Sobriety and anger mingled in an intoxicating mixture that had me running madly through the silent crowd, knocking people aside looking for something true.
“God!” I called out in desperation.
“You must believe.” I turned to see an elderly man in a hospital gown.
“God?” I called out in fear, running from the man.
“You must believe.” A thin, pale-faced woman touched my shoulder.
“God!!!” I cried out in anger.
“You must believe.” I looked down and saw the boy, his eyes no longer pleading for an answer, now only pleading for my soul.
How could they not see? How could they continue to hold this mindless belief even after it had been proven false? They were so programmed in life that even death could not shake this belief. I cursed, partly at their foolishness in death, partly at my naivete in life; and, with a gun I snatched from the floor, I fired two shots into the air. A thousand faces turned to me and I shouted with all my strength:
“Do you not see? Do you not understand?” My chest was heaving and I felt larger than anyone else there. “I did believe and look where it brought me. Look where it’s brought you!” Each person in the crowd turned slowly to face his neighbor – there was a long, silent pause.
Then in unison, they turned to me and chanted, “You must believe.”
I could not take this any longer. In blind rage, I shouted and fired the third shot. Before I could close my mouth or breathe, a mighty rushing win swept through the warehouse and the echoes of the gunshot grew louder and greater until in a flash of white light my vision was gone and a deep, majestic and awesome voice rang out this anthem: “To those with faith, He reveals Himself.” Every nerve in my body stung and the wind continued to move me upward and out until in another strobe of light I was standing in complete silence, looking through a simple window into the most blessed peaceful scene my mind had ever been given.
Truth – I know now He is real. I pressed my hands and face to the glass to feel the warmth, to feel the truth, to steady myself. It had all been true; the world was upside down and faith was the reality. I had in fact chosen my own end. Grasping and clawing I fell toward the swirling black and orange. Then Hell.
* * * * *