Congratulations, Taylor! (with a wedgie qualification)

Here’s to you, man. You wanted it and you loved what you were doing and we could tell. Finally an American Idol who is more American than Idol. Yeah, you really can’t hit those low notes; but as long as you start writing meaningful songs, we’ll forgive you. (Psss… if you shout ‘Soul Patrol’ one more time, I’m going to give you a wedgie.)

Katherine, you are beautiful and you have a gorgeous voice; but you have the personality of a breadcrumb, dear. And throwing a bone to your parents? Eesh. Bad form. Spend some time hanging out with Eva Cassidy and then maybe I’ll buy one of your albums.